Miss

Just got a really good news from a friend. Truly happy for this friend of mine.

Speaking of which, I started to look at the pictures that I shared with this friend of mine, and I stumbled upon another 'friend' of mine, (just put in between 'x' because I dont know if that person still regards me as a friend) which i havent really talk in a long time, due to something happened,

Hmmm... so now this is like a confession, that truly comes from my heart which I only told two person since it happened. I realised that I really miss this friend a lot. Since then, I didnt really tell people about how I really feel about this friend, even to say the name, just made me think back of what had happened, which makes me really sad on why I have lashed out, and thinking maybe I needed space, a lot of space to think it over and over again. When I think about it over and over again, it tore my heart to pieces again, and I asked myself, 'how COULD you?'... 'How COULD you do that to a friend who's been by your side for quite a long time?' This guilt refrain me from reaching out to the friend, it seems like Im trying to ignore this friend, im not.. though i was being texted, i refrained from answering back because of this guilt of mine. Im such a weird person right? The solution is actually easy, but my heart and mind just wanted to make me take the complicated path, which I dont know if I can go back to it. Just thinking about this, makes me feel sad. How could I, as a person, would ignore another person who's been supporting me a lot before?' How could I?

At a certain point, I would think that maybe I would not cross my paths with this person. Maybe I wont see this person ever again, but it proves me wrong. Everyday, i would see this person's name, regardless is on the internet or the photos that I stumbled upon or the cards (birthdays) which this person signed and sent it to me.

I talked to another friend of mine about this and told this other person that its not easy for me to make the reconcilation, its not that I dont want to reach out to this person, its just that I dont know how to overcome the awkwardness... I just dont know how. My guilt made me feel awkward to reach out, entahlah, somehow... its so hard for me to just text this person and say hi. I seriously do not hate this 'friend', even to text on harijadi pun I didnt, because I feel awkward and guilty. For so long, I didnt get in contact, and suddenly on the birthday, I texted... for me, it really sounds not sincere. Not sincere at all.... 2 birthdays and I didnt say happy birthday.

And know what..

Dont know if this 'friend' is gonna read this... but all I want to say is Im Sorry.. and I am sorry that I could not say this in person to you. I just could not face you at the moment. All I can say it that I am not ready. Not ready yet at least. I am sorry for not even saying a word with you when we met because my lips just wont say anything, my mind blanked at the mo. I am sorry that I didnt treat you right since it happened, and I am sorry for being such a bitch. If I could turn back the time, I would to prevent all this from happening again but now, all I can say is that I am sorry.