*******

If I dont mention it

If I dont say it 

If I dont ask about it 

Even if I have a calm/blank (or whatever you want to call it) facial expression

It does not mean that I dont care

kanyang

Sesungguhnya, nya orang.... makan atu sebelum diri lapar hantap, beranti sebelum tani rasa kanyang (hantap?)..

iatah tu nah padahnya inda dgr cakap orang

padahya.... akhirnya..

diri terasa sangat bloated.

kan jalan pun malas

kan bangun pun malas

aiiiii.... ujung2nya tidur

mal mal.....

Time

Time is of the essence. 

I've been thinking a lot... 

What should I do during this long holiday. 

I've been telling myself that I need to do so, and there is no time to waste. 

So I will be starting this soon.... 

I'm just gonna study all my 2nd and 3rd year stuffs...

Hahahaha, good luck with that Amal, you're gonna have to do it before you go back to NZ.. hohohohoho 

Insya Allah....... 

Miss

Just got a really good news from a friend. Truly happy for this friend of mine.

Speaking of which, I started to look at the pictures that I shared with this friend of mine, and I stumbled upon another 'friend' of mine, (just put in between 'x' because I dont know if that person still regards me as a friend) which i havent really talk in a long time, due to something happened,

Hmmm... so now this is like a confession, that truly comes from my heart which I only told two person since it happened. I realised that I really miss this friend a lot. Since then, I didnt really tell people about how I really feel about this friend, even to say the name, just made me think back of what had happened, which makes me really sad on why I have lashed out, and thinking maybe I needed space, a lot of space to think it over and over again. When I think about it over and over again, it tore my heart to pieces again, and I asked myself, 'how COULD you?'... 'How COULD you do that to a friend who's been by your side for quite a long time?' This guilt refrain me from reaching out to the friend, it seems like Im trying to ignore this friend, im not.. though i was being texted, i refrained from answering back because of this guilt of mine. Im such a weird person right? The solution is actually easy, but my heart and mind just wanted to make me take the complicated path, which I dont know if I can go back to it. Just thinking about this, makes me feel sad. How could I, as a person, would ignore another person who's been supporting me a lot before?' How could I?

At a certain point, I would think that maybe I would not cross my paths with this person. Maybe I wont see this person ever again, but it proves me wrong. Everyday, i would see this person's name, regardless is on the internet or the photos that I stumbled upon or the cards (birthdays) which this person signed and sent it to me.

I talked to another friend of mine about this and told this other person that its not easy for me to make the reconcilation, its not that I dont want to reach out to this person, its just that I dont know how to overcome the awkwardness... I just dont know how. My guilt made me feel awkward to reach out, entahlah, somehow... its so hard for me to just text this person and say hi. I seriously do not hate this 'friend', even to text on harijadi pun I didnt, because I feel awkward and guilty. For so long, I didnt get in contact, and suddenly on the birthday, I texted... for me, it really sounds not sincere. Not sincere at all.... 2 birthdays and I didnt say happy birthday.

And know what..

Dont know if this 'friend' is gonna read this... but all I want to say is Im Sorry.. and I am sorry that I could not say this in person to you. I just could not face you at the moment. All I can say it that I am not ready. Not ready yet at least. I am sorry for not even saying a word with you when we met because my lips just wont say anything, my mind blanked at the mo. I am sorry that I didnt treat you right since it happened, and I am sorry for being such a bitch. If I could turn back the time, I would to prevent all this from happening again but now, all I can say is that I am sorry.

-------------

Sesungguhnya mood ku masa ani inda baik banar...

So.. i should just refrain from saying out anything that might hurt other's and my feelings..

and so I am out....

Till then, i will blog when my mood is heightenedly improved.....

when's that gonna be? I dont know...

Thoughts

If you can read my mind, you will be surprised to find out what exactly the things running through my mind now. Holidays just made me think a lot of things. A lot of things. Some of you may know and realise that, you probably dont know much about me, as much as I know about you guys. That is how secretive I am. Yes, i do talk about daily lives and all, but do you actually know what's in my mind, really? Not that I think people as #$@@3.. because I dont. I prefer not to think of other people in a bad way, not even after I am on bad terms with them. Simply, if I had a rift with someone, I would think of it as mostly my fault, and not the other person and you know why? Because it made me feel better about the other someone.

As secretive as I am.... since dari dulu sudah, I had troubles conveying my thoughts and emotions to people. I dont know how to tell people my exact thoughts about certain things. Okaylah, for example..... this is just an example... not MY REAL example.... okay, for example a person who A likes... A so desperately wanted to find someone to talk about the crush with someone, but she just has difficulty in telling, even to the person who she trusts most. You get what I mean? I dont know, its just hard for me to tell someone about something. I dont know why? Is it because that trust is just not enough for me to tell someone else what exactly is in my mind. Looking at others, or maybe on facebook.... it seems easy for people to directly write out their feelings on certain things, for example "that girl is f#$king bu#$#@#$it...... such a dumba@#" I read this a lot on facebook, but somehow if I feel so geram hati with a person, or so sad with a person, I just could not do that openly.. or maybe tell other people.

That is why I tend to keep most of my thoughts to myself and not to others. Sometimes pikiran atu yang membuatkan diri want to explode, sometimes when I think of these thoughts, I feel really............. bleeeeggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh...... Maybe I havent found someone right to share these thoughts with. By saying someone, Im not talking about THE 'person who I am going to spend the rest of my life with'.... What I meant, is just a friend who would want to listen to my thoughts and ramblings, and of course, vice versa..  Someone who could stick by me all the time. Somehow to find that kind of friend is not easy. It is not easy. Hmmmm.......

I dont want to be a 'friend who comes with benefits', of whom to be thrown away when not needed and to be called when needed or a friend who is just a substitute just because the other 'more important' friends are present. I dont like to be viewed or to be thought as such. Somehow I do wonder these 'friends' are which kind....

Maybe most people viewed me as such.... A friend who only needed a friend when she needs one. That is a total bullshit. To be honest.. I appreciate someone who appreciates me.. and apparently, not everyone appreciates my presence in their life. Sometimes I feel bad, because I seldom go chat with someone  (Buz, Anis) when I am busy ( well, i AM busy now doing spring cleaning in my house and go jalan with my mom and siblings)....

People may think I am stupid enough not to realise something. I'm quite observant with people's expression, and I know if someone is particularly interested in something or to be exact, a conversation.... or not. Or maybe its just a feeling, but it is strong enough for me to think its what it is.

Anyway, enough of this. Too much free time just made me think a lot. Now I am just happy to spend MOST of my time with my mom, dad, aunts, siblings and cousins. I dont feel stressed, depressed when I am around them and these people are truly my friends for life.

Note: Buzz.. sorry batah dah inda ku chat. My internet sucks in my room, kadangnya ada.. kadangnya nada. Nanti tani chat ah... :))